Are dating apps social media?

And why do they make us feel so bad

New conspiracy theory just dropped: dating apps are social media. Let me explain.

I watched my friend aimlessly swipe left and right on a series of faces.

“Anyone good?” I asked. “Having fun?”

“No, I’m bored,” was the reply, looking irritable and frustrated.

I’m doing a little mini-series for the four weeks of February on dating and relationships as a trans person. But don’t worry, this will not be mushy and intolerable, and we will not mention that holiday.

I know people who have found their lifelong soul mates on dating apps. But the actual experience of looking for people can be pretty terrible. You can’t tell if you’re engaging with reasonable people, bots, or lying, cheating abusers. You develop short-term relationships with characters who have photos and descriptions, neither of which are likely to be realistic.

So how does a dating app compare to social media?

Social media is an online thing providing an endless string of updates from people you don't know well but feel emotions for.

This can include photos, text, videos, all designed to make you feel envy, grief, closeness, or even something like love. The social media platform curates the posts that are supposed to give you the most feelings.

Okay, so what is a dating app if not an endless stream of photos and text from people you don't know well?

And, everyone's profile is designed to make you feel something. Desire? Jealousy? Anger? Loneliness?

You would think dating apps are not a good place to advertise, but I've seen plenty of profiles which just link to Instagram or other sites, increasing traffic and followers to other accounts.

Yes, everything points to dating apps as (not so secretly) social media. You can doomscroll on a dating app just like you can doomscroll on social media.

Social media makes us miserable.

Social media has been linked to depression (especially in adolescents) anxiety, and insomnia. Parasocial relationships (a one-sided relationship, or imagining you’re in a relationship with a popular person online) can fill social space, leaving less energy for real, healthy human connections.

Most of us don’t realize just how much of our online relationship is with the social media platform, not the people. The platform decides what to show to us to create an addictive emotional rollercoaster. (Someone got engaged! Someone’s grandma died. Buy concert tickets! Funny pictures. Buy clothes. Play a game.) It’s not a healthy conversation, and after an hour of this, you won’t be any more connected to the people you actually know.

But what if we need social media to find other people?

What if you live in a small town or conservative area where there are no LGBTQ+ gathering places? What if you’re looking for a very specific type of person to date? Finding people online may be far more effective than hoping to meet someone in person.

People seem to have more of a freedom online to filter each other out based on incompatibility, for better or for worse.

If it’s important to you to be able to date other people even when in a relationship, or if it’s important to you to be monogamous, or if it’s important to you to have kids, or if it’s important to you to date another trans person, you can often figure these things out about someone else just by looking at their profile. No awkward conversation needed.

I’m still on social media type platforms for very specific reasons. I find clients and writing community on Facebook. I’m able to share my experiences in video on YouTube. I enjoy watching parrot videos on Instagram and keeping up with queer news. I suspect that if you have a clear goal in being on dating apps, they can be extremely helpful, as long as you don’t take them too seriously and close the app when you find yourself doomscrolling.

What about social media for business?

A lot of entrepreneurs conduct their entire business on one or more social media platforms. Think selling on Facebook Marketplace, supporting customers on WhatsApp, creating paid communities with private Facebook groups, or advertising services on LinkedIn.

I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with that, although I think you have to be careful not to get sucked into consuming too much social media yourself. It’s also a bit scary that the platform (Facebook) can kick you off at any time without any record of who your community was on there.

For more about (business) community and connection without social media, I highly recommend the Off the Grid podcast by Amelia Hruby. She talks about how to grow your small business without social media, and suggests effective and caring strategies.

A businesslike approach to dating online

I don’t at all mean that you should view dating transactionally or with a value/achievement mindset—gross. I mean that if your goal is to meet other people and form a connection, figure out how to use social platforms including dating apps to do that. Suggest a video call, exchange emails, or meet locally, once you’ve connected with a new person online. Use do not disturb mode on your phone to give yourself some breaks from notifications.

And if it’s accessible to you, consider trying to meet people through in-person (or virtual!) community activities.

Because, we have enough stress in our lives already without the frustration of dating apps!

Thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments.

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Take care,

Rey