Being trans in a long relationship

Yes, trans people can have lasting relationships too

Are you here from The Author Stack? Welcome! If you’re looking for more about being non-binary, what to do if your kid comes out as trans, or about how gender is morally neutral, please check out those posts!

And if you haven’t seen my article in The Author Stack yet about how to write about trans people with respect, please check it out!

People change. People get new jobs and new hobbies and new friends and new relationships. People develop allergies to foods they used to like. People change body shape and size all the time. People get depressed and anxious and develop PTSD (which literally changes the way you think, permanently).

And yet people are still terrified to come out as trans in a relationship.

I’m doing a little mini-series for the four weeks of February on dating and relationships as a trans person. But don’t worry, this will not be mushy and intolerable, and we will not mention that holiday.

I’m in a long term relationship in which I came out as trans. I was terrified, but it went well! My partner has been incredibly supportive for years.

I came out to him before I really understood what was going on with me. I asked my partner not to call me a woman, but I couldn’t explain what that meant. We actually found a lot of resources on being trans together, such as library books and podcasts.

Sometimes coming out as trans does end a relationship, or changing your body to align with your gender identity can end a relationship. But it doesn’t have to.

You know what was harder on my relationship than coming out as trans?

• Living three thousand miles away from each other when you start dating

• Moving in with each other while social isolating at the beginning of the pandemic

• Traveling with your partner:

  • in a cargo van for two months

  • camping with a sedan car for another three months

  • in a car that can be generously called a small SUV for three months

  • all in one year!

You get the idea. You might be like, well, isn’t it really important to you both to travel? And yes, it is. But supporting each other in the identities we explore is also really important.

I’ve talked to people on both sides of breakups after a partner came out as trans. It can be a very hurtful event, just like any breakup. I would say some breakups were for reasons other than a partner’s transness. The reasons could be inability to honestly communicate, different life goals or relationship desires, hoping the partner was a different person than they are, or the impossibility of changing one’s own identity.

What I mean by changing one’s own identity is, for example, if one partner in a lesbian couple comes out as a trans man, the other partner may not be willing to give up a lesbian identity, either in her individual desire or socially in public. Similarly for straight couples, one person may not be willing to explore a visibly queer relationship if their partner transitions.

A lot of relationships end because the people want different, incompatible things. I would argue this has very little to do with a person’s transness. It’s not the “fault” of the person who is trans.

When a trans person comes out in a relationship, they are sharing their more true, honest self with their partner. Then it is up to both people to decide whether the partnership can still work.

I asked my partner Dave for this article what he thought about people figuring out their relationships. He said, “Breaking up is okay. Staying together is okay. You are both on a journey and both people choose whether to keep traveling together or not.” Isn’t that a beautiful perspective?

It’s okay to be surprised or feel blindsided if your partner comes out with something you weren’t expecting. Take some time to process it yourself. And even if your partner coming out is a deal-breaker for you, I encourage you to show some care and support. This is not easy for them either.

In any long-term relationship, reasons to break up may arise. People decide to move to far away places, discover they really want to have kids (or not), or are not giving or receiving what they need from the partnership. But just like moving to a different place or wanting to have kids is not necessarily a good or bad thing, it just is, transness in a relationship is not necessarily a good or bad thing. For more on that, check out my article: Gender Is Morally Neutral.

For all the worried grandmothers and other family members out there who think trans people won’t have loving relationships or families: trans people absolutely date, have relationships, and have families.

I feel lucky to be in a supportive, loving, long-term relationship with my partner in which I’m very out as trans. I think it’s important to share this as a possibility. It’s possible to be trans and to live your best life!

Thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments. Do you have any questions about being trans in a relationship?

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Take care,

Rey