Debunking bisexual myths: we are actually reasonable people
Let's give the 'B' in LGBTQ some love
I’m going to debunk some bisexual myths in this week’s newsletter.
I think I first called myself bisexual around 2009. I was pretty convinced I was a straight girl before then, despite some evidence to the contrary. “Bisexual” was my first step of coming out as an LGBTQ person. I later came out as nonbinary, quite gradually, perhaps starting around 2017.
(If you’re reading this and thinking, wow, you never came out to me, what the heck? I apologize, but also, please understand that coming out is a continuous never-ending process, and consider this missive my coming-out to you.)
Quite a few of my friends in college were proud to call themselves bisexual, frequently and openly. I wasn’t used to people speaking this way, but I liked it.
In the years since, I’ve heard quite a few bisexual myths I want to address.
Bisexual Myth #1: Bisexuals need to date both a man and a woman at the same time to be happy
Okay, surely there is something more to a relationship than whether your partner is a man or woman? Some people are definitely happier being in a relationship with more than one person at a time. I would consider that being polyamorous, not part of the definition of bisexual at all. Many bisexuals I know (like many people I know) date one person at a time. This is not a “gotta catch em all” situation. Also, consider, where do nonbinary people fit into this?
Bisexual Myth #2: Bisexuals like to sleep with a lot of people
I would call this being slutty (in the reclaimed sense of the word from, for example, the book The Ethical Slut). Again, not directly related to bisexuality.
If a monogamous relationship is important to you, great! Say that's what you're looking for. Some bisexuals want to be monogamous and some don't!
Bisexual Myth #3: The word “bisexual” implies there are only two genders
Yes, I am aware “bi” comes from a word meaning “two”. One way to define it in a nonbinary-inclusive way is: attracted to your own gender and other genders. This draws a parallel with “gay” (attracted to your own gender) and “straight” (attracted to other genders, or something — I could write a whole essay about how hard “straight” is to define).
Back in 1990, bisexual activists objected to these same myths still circulating today.
"Bisexuality is a whole, fluid identity. Do not assume that bisexuality is binary or dougamous in nature; that we must have "two" sides or that we MUST be involved simultaneously with both genders to be fulfilled human beings. In fact, don't assume that there are only two genders. Do not mistake our fluidity for confusion, irresponsibility, or an inability to commit. Do not equate promiscuity, infidelity, or unsafe sexual behavior with bisexuality. Those are human traits that cross ALL sexual orientations. Nothing should be assumed about anyone's sexuality—including your own." - The Bisexual Manifesto (1990)
The claim that to call yourself bisexual somehow excludes trans and nonbinary people is unfair to the majority of bisexuals, who don’t mean it that way at all. Sure, you could use “queer” or “pansexual” instead, but “bisexual” is by far the most well known of these words. It’s in the LGBTQ acronym.
Bisexual Myth #4: Coming out as bisexual is always a step towards coming out as gay
Some people do feel more comfortable coming out as bi before they later come out as gay. Or maybe it takes them some time to figure out who they are attracted to. This is okay! It’s fine to come out as bisexual then come out as gay later.
Some people come out as bisexual and are very consistent with it for years afterwards. These people find describing themselves as bisexual for the long term is the best fit. They aren’t secretly gay or straight. They are, actually, bisexual!
Bisexual Myth #5: “Everyone is a little bisexual”
Someone who asked me about being bisexual said, “I think everyone’s a little bit bisexual.”
I asked, “Are you bisexual?”
She replied, “Oh, no, I’m straight.”
Saying everyone’s a bit bisexual is an attempt to make the word mean nothing. If everyone is bisexual, then what’s the point of coming out or calling yourself bi? It’s no longer a useful label. This exchange, funny as it sounds, was perhaps subconsciously trying to encourage me to call myself straight “like everyone else.”
So no, not everyone is a little bisexual. Some of you are straight, gay, asexual, etc.
Phew. And despite this level of (sometimes discriminatory) misunderstanding, some of us still decide to call ourselves bisexual. Because we are.
Stone forming in the desert
I have a correction for last week’s newsletter: I said that sedimentary rocks don’t form in the desert. That’s not true! Sedimentary rocks can and do form in dry conditions. In Arches National Park, the sandstone which eroded into these spectacular arches was formed in desert conditions. Some stone even preserves traces of wind patterns. Thanks to an excellent geologist I know for pointing this out!
Refreshingly nuanced reporting on trans athletes: how to be inclusive while respecting women’s sports
I loved this book! Fair Play: How Sports Shape the Gender Debates (Amazon affiliate link) by Katie Barnes addresses a divisive issue: how can trans people be included in sports, while respecting women’s teams and competitions? The intersection of biological sex, hormones, puberty, and identity is actually very complicated.
In Fair Play, Katie Barnes shares the science of the effects of testosterone on top-level athletes, including athletes with differences of sex development and athletes who started gender-affirming hormone therapy after puberty. And yes, testosterone makes a difference! A roughly 10% variance in speed and strength (measured by athletes who started gender-affirming hormone therapy as adults) can be crucial for individual times in running or swimming. But testosterone is far from the only biological influence on an athlete’s performance.
Barnes introduces us to trans and nonbinary athletes and experts in the field who are advocating for and against trans inclusion in sports. As a longtime player and fan of womens’ sports, and a nonbinary journalist who has been reporting on trans athletes for years, Barnes objectively considers various policies and approaches for combining trans inclusion with fair opportunities for women.
As a nonbinary martial artist who spends a lot of time thinking about gender in sports, I was impressed by how Barnes writes about trans people and other folks with respect and also digs into the question of what’s fair and what’s not. I don’t know if any definitive answer exists, but this book does the important work of framing the problem correctly.
Check out this great book on Amazon (affiliate link) or at your favorite bookseller or library!
For more mountains, lakes, and wildlife, check out my trip videos on:
YouTube (videos of full hikes!): https://www.youtube.com/@reywrites
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@reywrites
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/reywrite/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/rreykatz
Thanks so much for reading my newsletter. It means a lot to me.
Take care,
Rey
Thank you for the book recommendation!