The frustrations of dating while trans

So, when *is* the perfect time to tell your date?

It’s sexy when someone sees you as your true self and celebrates you. But it’s hard to know when to disclose certain unchangeable facts about yourself to a potential date. You know, facts like whether you want kids, your neurodivergence, your chronic illness, your role as a caregiver, your misunderstood job, or your grief. And, oh yeah, being trans is a big one also.

I’m doing a little mini-series for the four weeks of February on dating and relationships as a trans person. But don’t worry, this will not be mushy and intolerable, and we will not mention that holiday.

Despite what “people from the internet” would like us to believe, trans people are not required to disclose their transness on a date or otherwise.

If you are one of those potential criminals who would hurt a trans person if they were on a date with them, I think you should disclose your violent tendencies. Trust me, you will not be getting a second date, not that you wanted one.

Despite threats to our safety, most trans people will let their date know they are trans, usually in an online message or in a public space like a coffee shop or bar.

There is no rule for when is the best time to disclose. Many people describe their identity in their profile on a dating app, but then people may not read the profile. Some people make it clear in a message before meeting in person. Some people explain their transness on a first date. Some people don’t mention it for a while, or ever.

If you are a trans person looking to date, it can be a scary prospect. You may encounter people who get violent or verbally insulting. You may run into chasers, people who fetishize trans people for their bodies. Or, perhaps even more commonly, you may date people who only recognize you as your assigned gender at birth.

It’s hard to get close to someone who sees you as a man, for example, if you’re a woman, or someone who sees you as a woman, for example, if you’re a nonbinary person.

Dating random cis people greatly increases the chance that someone you meet may be starting from scratch in terms of understanding gender. Some trans people don’t want to have to teach Trans 101 when they were just hoping for a nice dinner and a movie. So some trans people prefer to date other trans people. It can help to have an identity in common and perhaps some shared experiences.

However! If you are a cis person dating a trans person, do not worry. You made the cut—you know enough about speaking respectfully about gender that your partner wants to date you. Your partner is not sitting there wishing they were dating another trans person, trust me, they want to date you.

So, what if you’re on a date with someone and they tell you they are trans. What should you do?

First, thank the person for sharing this information with you. This is enough of a response, initially.

If you are not attracted to your date after finding out they are trans, that is okay. But it’s a bit rude to say “I am not attracted to you because you are trans.” That could be hurtful to hear. Simply decline to go on another date or say you don’t feel a spark, at an appropriate time like the end of the date or in a phone call or text message. You don’t need to give a specific reason for this one. Staying calm and respectful is the key.

On the other hand, perhaps you are interested in pursuing a relationship with your date, especially after they have demonstrated the vulnerability and trust of sharing their transness with you. Calm and respectful is the way to go in this case too. Don’t ask a lot of questions about being trans and don’t rant about trans people in the current news cycle. Show them you care about more than just them being trans.

Dating apps are often very gendered. Specifically, most of them categorize you as a man or woman in other people’s search results, even if you can write in your gender for your profile. So if you’re non-binary or gender nonconforming, it may be a little challenging to figure out what is the best category for you.

Facebook Dating is notable in that it lets you select between man, woman, or non-binary for searches. OkCupid sorts you into searches for men and women but also let you filter for only trans or non-binary people, if I remember correctly. Feeld lets you select non-binary genders and doesn’t seem to sort you into men and women on top of that. I have not extensively researched whether other apps have such features. My main point is that dating apps can be kind of awkward or uncomfortable for trans people, even on top of the general angst that comes from using dating apps.

So how do I date people, Rey, if I’m not using a dating app? Well, you can go places in person and talk to people. You can ask your friends to set you up on dates with their friends. You can check if your city has speed dating events (and yes, they have LGBTQ+ speed dating too, in some places). You can meet people online in discussion groups, virtual activities, or by sending people appreciative fan messages. (Do not, under any circumstances, send me appreciative fan messages. Thank you.)

Don’t worry if you’re still using dating apps. Next week, I will be tearing down dating apps even more by comparing them to the worst side of social media. Stay tuned!

Thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments. Do you have any questions about being trans in a relationship?

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Take care,

Rey