Gender isn't just for young people

Attraction + Gender + Age = Complicated

Gender is SO hard to untangle because it means so many different things. Most people have an innate sense of what gender feels right to them. But then that gets complicated. We have to deal with sexism, what we wear, how we act, what we look like, what kind of bodies we have, gender roles, expectations, medical care, and legislation.

I spoke to an older woman the other day who couldn’t have her own bank account or credit card while she was married to her controlling ex-husband. It wasn’t until 1974 in the United States that the Equal Credit Opportunity Act granted women the right to their own credit cards separate from their husbands. Patriarchal ideas of gender have been used to control people for a long time.

(The Equal Credit Opportunity Act protects you from being discriminated against by lenders based on race, color, religion, national origin, sex, gender, marital status, age, or being on disability or SNAP benefits.)

A particular combination of gender and age—women, in their 20’s and 30’s—are seen as the archetypal woman, perhaps interested in dating, marriage, forming a nuclear family, and raising kids. For people who are not interested in this domestic career trajectory, this expectation from society can be obnoxious.

Quite a few people try to talk me out of being nonbinary in the comments on my videos on YouTube. (It hasn’t worked yet.) Because I “look like” a woman in my twenties (I’m 33, but I look young), I represent a threat to men who assume I should be someone they or other men can control. Instead I am demonstrating an unconventional life, with the freedom to go wherever I want, say whatever I want, and date whoever I want.

What if a lot more people were inspired to live the life they want? Who loses power, control, and free labor? Does the patriarchy fall from power?

We suffer through all these subtle reminders that we should be the right gender and age to optimally contribute to society. That would be women age 18-40 and men age 18-75. Then our society just pretends any other type of adult doesn’t exist.

This is related to people calling old women “young lady,” which I wrote about here. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think people generally say “young gentleman” to old men. There isn’t an age cutoff for “being a gentleman” in the same way as “being a lady.”

We all get older: it's not a bad thing

“Lady” is not always used in a polite way, either. Imagine walking down a Manhattan sidewalk, people flooding past, and a man yells, “hey, lady, move your car!” It’s like swearing at someone.

People say “ladies” in business meetings surprisingly often. If a man meets with multiple women, usually, he might say “thank you, ladies,” to end the meeting. I feel like this is always a little condescending. If the meeting is all women, someone might refer to the group as “ladies.” The problem, for me, is I get included in “ladies” and it makes me feel a little bad. I don’t complain, usually, but obviously I don’t love it.

“Young lady” is supposed to be reassurance, something like, “don’t worry, I will still pretend I see you as an attractive young woman with value.” Gross. And wrong for a couple reasons: first, older women can be attractive as they are, and second, attractiveness does not determine one’s value.

I’d like to share, with permission, part of a conversation I had with

LC Sharkey

. LC comments:

Now that I'm old (which to some extent, tends to erase gender in many people's impression), I get called "ma'am" (or "young lady") way more than when I was younger. I think maybe one reason the "young lady" thing is common is because the person saying it is not only trying to compliment you by pretending you don't look "old," they are also trying to reassure you that even though you're old, you are still a "lady." For people still subscribed to the myth of binary gender, this is, I believe, intended as a way of telling you that you are still recognizable as the gender you are assumed to be and value being.

I reply:

That's really interesting that getting older tends to erase gender in people's impression. People think gender is only relevant for people in their 20's and maybe 30's who are looking to date with a goal to marry someone of the "opposite gender" and start a family. Once you age out of the relationship escalator of binary gender, you're no longer seen as available in that system.

I've been surprised by the large number of people who think I'm not interested in dating or a relationship if I say I'm not a man or woman (nonbinary). As if my gender identity was only useful in context of dating.

LC replies:

Old people are very often perceived as asexual unless they are overtly hypersexual. Our culture is so committed to the conflation of sexuality with gender that it makes sense that seeing a person primarily as "old" (and therefore not someone who exists in a sexual context) means much less attention on their gender.

Many cis people are likely to assume the absence of gender (as they understand it) to indicate the absence of sexual and/or romantic interest as well.

I really appreciate LC’s perspective. Well said, and thanks so much for sharing, LC!

Attraction (or attractiveness) is not the same as gender. Gender is not limited to people at certain ages. And we should all be free to express ourselves regardless of what other people think of us.

Thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments.

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Take care,

Rey