How to respect our trans and nonbinary coworkers

Hiring, office politics, freelancing, and Slack message edits (they did what??)

Hi friends,

I was going to write about best practices if you have a trans or nonbinary coworker in the office. But honestly, it feels pretty obvious. You know, use their correct name and pronouns. If you mess up, say “sorry,” briefly, and move on. Don’t use gendered words like “ladies,” “girls,” “boys,” etc. End of story.

What is more interesting to me is what work opportunities are you recruiting trans people for? “All of them,” you say, knowing it is the correct answer. But are you (or your company) considering any candidates for C-level positions who happen to be trans? When you look for social media managers, web developers, copywriters, lawyers, are you seeking out LGBTQ-friendly businesses and considering trans experts?

I love seeing trans people become editors-in-chief, managers, producers, etc. While it is not every trans person’s (additional) job to advocate for LGBTQ rights, simply being in a position of power sends a message. We are competent. We are good at our jobs. We deserve respect.

I, myself, was an engineering manager at a company that makes software for healthcare providers. I was out as nonbinary, using they/them pronouns at work. I worked with an international team of engineers who were fantastic and I appreciated getting to know. I was the only (out) trans person at the company. I prided myself on doing a good job talking to all kinds of different people and communicating clearly what we were building and why.

I'm coming from a position of huge privilege to be able to come out as nonbinary or trans at work. I acknowledge this is not the reality for many trans people. Work (and an income) is so crucial to survival that hiding one's identity may be worth it in a discriminatory environment.

Even though I was lucky enough to have supportive colleagues and community, it was still challenging for me at times because I felt different from other people.

Some of my coworkers called me “she.” Sometimes consistently, sometimes occasionally. That didn’t stop me from doing my job. I chose not to correct people who used “she” for me, perhaps other than a few company-wide Slack messages reminding people I used they/them pronouns. Honestly, the most awkward part was when people apologized to me privately and at length. Did they realize they were asking me for reassurance after they misgendered me?

Side note: don’t make “they” and “them” more difficult than it has to be. Pretend you’re complaining about the person who messed up your landscaping or delivered the wrong pizza to your house. “They” and “them” will just flow out of your mouth, no problem. “They messed up my order even when I told them twice!” You don’t need to make up a whole new way of speaking when you refer to me. “They’s team is going to look at it on Monday.” Nope. “Their team is going to look at it on Monday.”

There’s also the edits. In Slack: “She is working on that right now.”

Ten minutes later…

In Slack: “They is working on that right now. [Edited]”

I appreciate those edits, for real. But I also notice them (not only because the grammar doesn’t quite work if you just find and replace). It would be better to think of me as “they,” not “she…oh yeah, now I need to replace all the she’s with they’s because she…I mean they, I guess, are a weird nonbinary woman, I mean, nonbinary…human?”

To be clear, saying “they are…” is correct, not “they is.” But my name doesn't become plural just because I use they/them. It's “Rey is,” not “Rey are…”

One time I edited a page of internal documentation to fix a pronoun referring to me. An hour later I got an email showing that the author had reverted my change back to “she.” Did this person think they had made a mistake? Or was it intentional? I thought about confrontation, but then, I decided to just let it go. Words are important, but, what pronouns you use for me says more about you than it says about me.

I can’t control how my coworkers think about me (nor would I want to). But I can’t help thinking it would be easier for my coworkers to speak naturally about me if they internalized that I am actually a trans person. No constant translation or edits needed.

In addition to working in office environments, I’ve also been a freelancer. The interesting thing about freelancing is there is no HR department! If a client says something offensive, that is between you and them only. And when I say offensive, I don’t mean saying the wrong pronoun by accident. I mean complaining about the way I smell when I’m in the same room as their dog. Excuse me? I showered that day. I mean telling me if I dressed nicer, I wouldn’t have so many problems with my boyfriend (I didn’t even have a boyfriend at the time). Okay — sometimes we just need to write a nice resignation note.

On the flip side, I’ve gotten to work with some very cool, inclusive clients doing meaningful work both when I was a freelancer and working at companies.

A lot of us are burned out, tired, and frustrated these days. Imagine working a job, taking care of a family, and also, for trans people or people with trans family members: stressing about losing gender-affirming healthcare or even losing custody of your kid. The impossibility of moving to another state within the US for many low-income or disabled folks. It’s just terrible.

So let’s not add to that stress by making work more stressful than it has to be. Many people can get absorbed in work, have some satisfaction in completing projects, and appreciate praise for a job well done. Micromanaging is the enemy of motivation. Trust people to do a good job and often, they will, especially if overall expectations are extremely clear.

The number one way to make a work environment more inclusive to trans people is to make it an overall good work environment, without bullying, discrimination, or huge amounts of stress. Correct pronouns are good, but a general environment of respect and courtesy is crucial.

This brings us full circle to hiring. I understand you may not be in a position to hire, but, if you are, please advocate for someone who is doing the work of diversity, equity, and inclusion.

If you’ve enjoyed this issue of Amplify Respect, please, do me a favor - share this with a friend. If any part particularly resonated with you, copy a quote or take a screenshot and share it on Substack or other social media. I’d love to get the word out.

The next issue will be all about, what if your family member is trans? Please subscribe if you haven’t already!

Thanks so much for reading my newsletter. It means a lot to me.

Take care,

Rey