What does it mean to know yourself?

We learn to identify our own gender

“How do you know you’re nonbinary?” (or trans, etc, etc)

I just know.

I’m going to tell you a story to help you understand how strongly I know this about myself.

On one of the last days of our road trip this summer in California, I started feeling sick to my stomach while hiking with a friend and my partner. I said I didn’t feel well. We sat down for a few minutes. I said we should keep going. The next time we paused, I took twenty steps down the path and a bit into the trees and threw up. One of those first-time outdoor experiences.

I felt immediately better, as one does, and also, immediately incredibly embarrassed. My friend who I’ve known for 15 years just saw me throw up. But, you know, I got over it. Just kidding. I’m still not over it.

I’ve spent a lot of time in the woods, and foraged a significant amount of food. We found a big, fresh, bright orange chicken mushroom on that hike and harvested some of it. You know how certain I was that it was a chicken mushroom? I cooked and ate it for dinner with some rice, three hours after I was sick, a day before getting on a flight home. My partner and I have foraged so much the last few years, a chicken mushroom is practically comfort food.

This was a super impressive chicken mushroom we found in Massachusetts

How did I know it was a chicken mushroom? I could tell you the whole checklist: bright color, pores on the bottom, round stacked shelves, springy and juicy, radial texture, characteristic smell. But I knew it was a chicken mushroom before going down that checklist. I saw it from thirty feet away when my partner spotted it and I just knew.

I just knew.

I could tell you that I’ve felt uncomfortable with being a girl my whole life, that I was bad at conforming to gendered expectations, that I felt better after changing my name to a gender-neutral name, that I relate to other nonbinary people’s experiences, that I have dysphoria about my body.

But I don’t need to go through that checklist, unless I’m trying to convince someone else.

I just know. I found out about nonbinary people, and, gradually, that idea started to fit me. I didn’t become nonbinary when I found out—I feel I’ve always been nonbinary—but I finally had a word to describe and understand how I feel.

Many people assume particular traits define your gender. This can be, certain body parts, how you look or sound, or your reproductive ability. Take a moment to think about it, for yourself. For example, (if you’re a woman) do you consider yourself a woman because you have particular body parts? What would happen if you needed to have one of those body parts removed for medical reasons? You’d still be a woman, right? Yeah. So it’s not truly about the body parts.

It can be hurtful when people assume gender is defined by reproduction. This isn’t accurate. A lot of cis women can’t or don’t want to have a baby. Some trans and nonbinary people birth children, and some can’t or don’t want to. These are all valid choices which are separate from gender identity.

What if I’m wrong? Much like in mushroom foraging, what if I’m risking my health and the health of those close to me? Well, if you’re not careful, mushroom foraging can be much riskier than being trans, actually, just to put it into perspective. But we learn from the experiences of our community. We support and teach each other.

In Schuyler Bailar’s book, He/She/They: How We Talk About Gender and Why It Matters (Amazon affiliate link), he recounts a parent asking him about her child who asked to be on puberty blockers, a medication that delays puberty, after experiencing distress strong enough to put him in the hospital. The concerned parent asked Bailar, “what if he’s wrong [about being trans at a young age]?” Bailar gave the parent a hug, and responded, “but what if he’s right.”

I love reframing the question as, “what if I’m right.” What if I’m happier, more expressive, and more confident. What if I finally understand more of who I am?

I’m currently working on a big, exciting project: I’m filming a class on How to Create Videos for Writers, Creatives, and Entrepreneurs. I’ve been working on this for months. Video is becoming so popular for marketing and storytelling, and I get more questions than anything else about how to get started making videos.

This class will empower you with the skills to share your story and your work with a larger audience.

I’ll be hosting the class right here on Substack, with full access for paid subscribers. This is a great deal and I’d love for you to join us!

Thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments.

Do you need digital marketing assistance? I can help with graphics, websites, search, newsletters, videos, and more. Learn more and book a free discovery call at weshineconsulting.com!

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Take care,

Rey