I didn’t expect organizing and packing my belongings to feel like burnout.
We’re subletting rooms in the house while traveling this summer, and the prep for that is to pack all my stuff away. It started to wear on me to figure out what to do with each one of hundreds or thousands of items. Printer ink that we don’t have a printer for. A dog toy (we don’t have a dog). Or is it a massage ball? Pens. Markers. A paper clip. Last year’s tax forms.
I found myself sitting on the carpet, surrounded by a pile of clutter, staring aimlessly, not able to continue. Because there were too many things, I found myself not able to do any of them.
The interesting thing, to me, was that the packing also made me feel like it was difficult to communicate on those days, as well. One of my symptoms of burnout is that it’s hard to send messages or reply to people, particularly online but I also avoid conversations and in-person gatherings also. Talking feels like a challenge.
The more I have to be careful with what I say (giving someone I care about useful and supportive feedback, for example), or responding to a vague social message like, “how are you doing?”, the harder it feels to say the right thing. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do good.
Organizing the items in my house somehow hit that same nerve for me. Perhaps having to evaluate each of hundreds of items and decide whether they would stay or go and where they would go is the same type of effort as a careful conversation. I wouldn’t have guessed it, but I felt the same type of fatigue and overwhelm setting in.
By taking some breaks and with some help, I got through the majority of the packing.
It has also occurred to me that I blame packing for being overwhelming because I hate packing. I just truly dislike putting things in bags and boxes and stuffing them away. It’s unpleasant.
But I’ve also had a number of meaningful, wonderful social interactions over the last couple of weeks. I went to aikido camp. I visited my family. I was supported and affirmed by my cousins. I have had beautiful and intense writing workshop sessions. I’ve responded to an outpouring of caring, considerate, interesting comments on my writing. I’m grateful for these strong connections with my family and community.
It is, perhaps, possible that I overdid it recently.
This is why I suspect I have not fully recovered from the burnout of working full time during the beginning of the pandemic (along with whatever lingering post-viral symptoms I might have from that time). This is why I still wear a high-filtration mask in public spaces like stores and doctor offices and avoid many in-person events. Stress on the body seems to stack, for me, so if I can avoid, for example, getting the common cold once that might mean I can have ten more excellent conversations with people I care about. Not to mention avoiding getting Covid.
Hey, did you know that trans people tend to have higher rates of Long Covid? I learned this from who has a wonderful publication sharing facts and experiences of long-term illness.
I may not have recovered entirely from burnout, but I have learned a lot about burnout in the time since I quit my job and spent months traveling the country, switching to a freelance creative career.
I am grateful to be doing this meaningful, helpful work to build our community.
Working with people is really important to me, and it is incredibly frustrating when I run into my limitations and am not able to accomplish as much as I think I should, especially for communication. Learning to understand these limitations and developing tolerance for myself has helped me a lot.
And perhaps I’m ready for a vacation.
Thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments.
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Take care,
Rey
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