What does nonbinary mean? You might be curious about what makes me nonbinary, or how that differs from being a woman or man. You perhaps can’t envision another gender identity other than woman or man.
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People frequently ask questions about what does nonbinary mean in the comments on my videos mentioning my nonbinary identity. Here’s an example comment on one of my videos:
“Does non-binary mean not a man or a woman? Meaning nothing or meaning being something else?”
@reywriteshave I, a nonbinary person, considered just being a woman? 🤔🏳️⚧️🌈 . . . . . #lgbtq #nonbinary #writer #queer #genderqueer #livingmybestlife #comingout #bi #genderaffirming #theythem
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I interpreted this comment as asking, you’re saying you’re not a man or a woman. What else is there?
Non-binary is, if you take the word literally, saying I don’t have a binary gender, defining it as the lack of something. I don’t tend to take it that literally, myself. I adopted “nonbinary” for myself, as a whole identity, after seeing a lot of similarities between myself and other people who call themselves nonbinary.
If you’re having trouble envisioning what that might look like, perhaps I can explain.
But, it’s important to remember if you’re met one non-binary person, you’ve met one non-binary person. Everyone is different. I cannot speak on behalf of all non-binary people. I can only share from my individual perspective what my experience has been.
Most people “just know” what gender they are. If you ask a man his gender, he will usually say “I’m a man.” If you ask why, he might say, “I just am.” This is true for trans and nonbinary people also! They often just know!
Nonbinary is not, generally, a “nothing” gender, to quote from the comment. Nonbinary people have a lot of traits that correspond in our society to gender identity, gender expression, and “biological sex” (ugh).
I’m a little salty over the large number of comments I deleted this weekend referencing various parts of my anatomy. Here, where I’m having a respectful conversation instead of being trolled, I will share with you that I do, in fact, have a human body with body parts, as we all do! I most likely have XX chromosomes (although I’ve never gotten that tested). I have a uterus. Etc. But these body parts do not define my gender.
Some people have to get body parts removed or changed for medical reasons (injury, cancer, etc). This does not make them any less of a woman, or man, or person of another gender. Your body parts do not define your gender.
Gender expression can include your name, words you use to describe yourself, hairstyle, clothes, makeup, shoes, voice, mannerisms, and more. It’s amazing how many behaviors we assign genders to. Some people care a lot about using these signals to indicate what gender they are. Some people just don’t care, and some people have a lot of fun expressing themselves in ways that intentionally don’t match gendered expectations in society.
I don’t have a “nothing” gender expression. Being truly androgynous is very difficult, and not what I am interested in anyway. The stereotypical “nonbinary person” in media is a white, skinny, flat-chested, androgynous person with masculine hair and expensive designer clothes. This is a harmful stereotype because of how it centers a white, rich person with a very particular body type. Many nonbinary people are Black, Indigenous, and people of color. Many nonbinary people have a large chest and curvy body. Many nonbinary people are fat. Many nonbinary people can’t afford expensive haircuts, designer clothes, or to medically transition if they wanted to.
When I’m shopping in a thrift store, I usually find the pants and shirts I like in the men’s section. A lot of my clothes come from clothing swaps or friends giving me items they don’t wear anymore (thank you!) A surprising number of my clothes have come from the sidewalk, or what people might call “trash piles.” Before you turn up your nose too hard at this disgusting idea, check out my $200 brand new Sorrel winter boots that I’ve been wearing for three years. Yes, from a “trash pile.”
Just keeping designer clothes out of our landfills. You’re welcome.
Sometimes I wear women’s clothes. Sometimes I wear men’s clothes. As a short person, sometimes I wear “big boy” clothes. My clothes, to me, express more about my comfort being out in the woods, or the colors I like, or comfortable patterns and textures, than gender expression. My clothes do not define my gender.
I keep listing things that do not define my gender: physical traits, body parts, clothes, etc. But that doesn’t mean my gender is “nothing.” My nonbinary gender is based on my experience as a whole. Not any one of these things, but how I see the world and how I think I fit in.
Some people think I’m insane for explaining what does nonbinary mean to me. If you are one of these people, I ask you to give me a little benefit of the doubt, a little suspension of disbelief, and evaluate: am I hurting anyone else with my “insanity”? From my perspective, I am not. For myself, I am happier and healthier since coming out as nonbinary. Seems like a win to me.
Thanks for reading Amplify Respect: Non-Binary Community! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Last week, I had a great interview with Anabelle from Positively Nonbinary! We talked about favorite travel experiences, creating resources for nonbinary people, and how it feels so great when a friend or family member learns something from what we create. Seriously, the best feeling!
Check out a fun preview of our conversation here:
The full interview is available for Positively Nonbinary paid subscribers:
Thanks so much for reading!
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Take care,
Rey
