A woman jogged over to the park bathroom as I stood nearby waiting for my partner to finish using the toilet. She waited impatiently for about 30 seconds, checked to see if there was someone in there, and asked me if I was waiting for someone.
“Yeah, someone's in there,” I confirmed.
“Well, are THEY OKAY?” she complained, “it's been a long time!”
“Oh, has it?” I pretended to check the time on my phone, and then returned to reading my ebook.
My partner stepped out of the bathroom, presumably indicating that I was next in line, because I heard the woman say,
“Well, SHE’s just looking at HER phone, and I really need to pee! It won't take me long (unlike SOME people)!”
And yes, we did let her use the bathroom next, and we didn't exchange any more words.
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Her interesting choice of “they” vs. “she” is an example of someone who doesn't call me “they.”
Note: I was not offended! I did not find her choice of language offensive. I thought it was an interesting human interaction that I would like to dissect as a learning experience.
Further note: Yes, I’m using “she” to refer to this person based on my best guess of her preferred pronouns. That choice is intentional and I stand by it!
People tend to use “they” when complaining about someone. Whether it's a frustrating client or someone who damaged a car or a person who's taking more than a minute in the bathroom, “they” are so terrible, aren't they?
This choice of words is often for anonymity. No one can prove you were talking about anyone in particular if you omit their name and use “they,” right?
And you know, if these same people flawlessly used “they” when referring to me, maybe I wouldn't mind.
But I think this tendency to talk about frustrating and hurtful people using “they” makes it a lot harder to use “they” easily to talk about me.
Because of my experience attempting to use “they” to refer to myself for the last few years, I have a hard time hearing “they” as merely unknown, impersonal, something to gloss over.
Let's not talk about one of your neighbors or coworkers as if they're some queer-coded villain.
If you'd like to obscure the gender of the person you're talking about, why not switch to the other binary pronoun? Does it feel weird or impossible to switch “he” for “she” or vice versa?
Why do you think it’s easier to switch from “she” to “they” than “she” to “he”?
By now, you’re probably thinking I’m a bit unreasonable in my demands. Wasn’t it the most reasonable thing the woman could have said, without being able to see who was in the restroom?
Yes, absolutely.
I agree, actually. Talking about “them” in the restroom is the most reasonable way to say it, in this example.
But it reminds me of all the times I've heard someone complain about a client as "them" and how "they" were so frustrating, then turn around and seemingly not be able to refer to me as "they" or "them."
I think it’s helpful to observe who you use “they” to refer to, and who you use “he” or “she” to refer to. Most people simply don’t think about this!
Just like other skills that you learn and practice, accurately observing your own language choices is the first step. Then, if you choose to change or adjust anything, you’ll be able to see your progress!
What do you think? Let us know in the comments! (Comments not working for you? Please hit reply and let me know, with a screenshot if you can. Thank you!)
