You’re good with your friend or family member being trans or non-binary. You really are. But then you introduce them to someone.
“This is Rey, my …”
Uh oh. What are the right words?
Maybe it gets awkward. Maybe you pause in the middle of the introduction to your unsuspecting friend and try to have a heart-to-heart about gender.
Super awkward.
Okay, if you’re currently pissed at me because you think I’m calling you out with this story, it’s not just you. Really. This happens to me a lot.
As a trans, non-binary person, it’s not obvious what words to use when describing me and my relationships.
It happens to me even more often because it’s hard to find good gender-neutral terms that most people are familiar with for some relationships.
Daughter or son are not exactly analogous to kid or child (both of which imply someone who’s younger than an adult). I feel like “adult child” is somehow used when complaining about people. Out of these options, I suppose I prefer “kid.”
Niece or nephew doesn’t have a traditional gender-neutral alternative. I’ve heard “nibling” which some people like and some people hate, as a word. I like “sibkid” - the gender neutral kid of my sibling.
Aunt or uncle are hard to make gender-neutral also. You can describe the relationship - “my parent's sibling.”
I feel like “cousin” is a good gender-neutral word to lean on, even if people don’t technically have a cousin relationship.
It just becomes awkward because our language both enforces gender and also we take it so seriously that to call me a son instead of a daughter would be a big deal. Even making the effort to call me a kid instead can be a big deal.
And I’m allergic to awkward. I mean, it makes my face flush red and my lungs clench up.
So I allow “daughter” or “she” or “niece” or “alumna” without complaint because it’s easier, not because it’s correct or makes me feel good, quite the opposite. These gendered words applied to me actually bother me. A lot.
But I have good news.
I have solved this dilemma.
It’s very clever.
All you need to do is describe the relationship from your side.
“This is Jessica. I’m Jessica’s mom.”
“Have you met Ted? I’m Ted’s uncle.”
“This is Taylor. I’m Taylor’s aunt.”
Even if you get stuck halfway through an introduction, it’s recoverable.
“Noah is my … I’m Noah’s dad.”
You are in control of describing yourself and your side of the relationship. No need to remember pronouns or figure out how the person you’re introducing wants to be described.
Thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments.
Take care,
Rey
