I imagine that every trans person is going to have a different answer.
For me, though? It was not knowing what my "gender feelings" meant and why they were.
Non. Stop.
Any time I wasn't actively engaged in an activity I was worried about some aspect of not being a girl. Easily 7-10 hours a day of worrying about not being a girl.
Like many folks, I came out during the pandemic. I had finished illustrating my first official children's book mid-2020 and had nothing to do but sit around and run errands, afterwards.
I couldn't focus on anything or be present in any moment because I was worried about "not feeling like a boy" or "needing to be a girl."
If you've ever had a song that you dislike stuck in your head for a few days? That was me for many years but the song was, "There's something wrong with you because you wish to be a girl and EVERYONE CAN TELL. You are BROKEN."
I thought everyone who made eye-contact with me at the grocery store could tell i was "messed up."
In early 2021 a friend started laying out the puzzle pieces I'd eventually put together to see they spell "You're Trans" and I fought that puzzle with my entire being.
Once I finally admitted it to myself that i'm a trans lady? Not having to think about my gender every day was SUCH a relief. Like being able to breathe after a 6-year asthma attack.
I often go around with a big stupid grin on my face because i finally realized I can be a gal 😅
I was one of those people who told myself for a long time that I was "too old" to come out as trans. My whole life was established--I was (still am) married, I had two young kids, I'd been in the same job for over twenty years. You don't just come out and upset all of that overnight, do you? I think I hesitated for so long out of the fear of losing everyone and everything I loved because of being trans, and it turns out the opposite has been true. Coming out as trans has been an amazing gift, and now the relationships I have are better, more real, and more fulfilling for me.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience, Robin. I think that's so important to share that it doesn't have to be a choice between who we are and our families, communities, and jobs. If people are supportive, life can become more fulfilling and more real after coming out.
There are so many thoughts that this piece brings up. One is when my best friend came out as gay at 16 and his mom cried because she was so worried about how much harder of a life he was going to have. When I told my mother about this, she said she would have reacted the same way.
Another thought is a quote from Gabe Dunn when he came out as non-binary and friends who were older said, “Oh, I’m probably non-binary. But I’m too old to come out now and I feel mostly fine.” And his response was “Why be fine when you can be great?”
And finally my mom who is probably bisexual and nonbinary who made me think that everybody feels the way I do. When I told my mom that I was bisexual, her response was incredibly dismissive. Not that she meant for it to be, but her response was basically, “everybody feels that way. It doesn’t mean you’re nonbinary.” Knowing that, and knowing that this would be her reaction, meant that it took me much longer to come out than it probably should have in a very accepting and welcoming family such as mine.
All of this is to say, I really appreciate getting to read your writing, Rey, and it helps me feel so much less alone.
Thanks for this, Rey. Your reflections on what's hardest resonate for me. If we were all supported equally in presenting our organic, authentic, essential selves, I believe it would change...everything.
It was absolutely harder to be denying that I was trans or attempting to live in the closet than it is to be out and trans. This has been especially true once I figured out that I could do simple things like carry pepper spray.
The longer I was knowingly in the closet, the harder it got. The longer I’ve been out, the easier it’s been.
The hardest part? Oof.
I imagine that every trans person is going to have a different answer.
For me, though? It was not knowing what my "gender feelings" meant and why they were.
Non. Stop.
Any time I wasn't actively engaged in an activity I was worried about some aspect of not being a girl. Easily 7-10 hours a day of worrying about not being a girl.
Like many folks, I came out during the pandemic. I had finished illustrating my first official children's book mid-2020 and had nothing to do but sit around and run errands, afterwards.
I couldn't focus on anything or be present in any moment because I was worried about "not feeling like a boy" or "needing to be a girl."
If you've ever had a song that you dislike stuck in your head for a few days? That was me for many years but the song was, "There's something wrong with you because you wish to be a girl and EVERYONE CAN TELL. You are BROKEN."
I thought everyone who made eye-contact with me at the grocery store could tell i was "messed up."
In early 2021 a friend started laying out the puzzle pieces I'd eventually put together to see they spell "You're Trans" and I fought that puzzle with my entire being.
Once I finally admitted it to myself that i'm a trans lady? Not having to think about my gender every day was SUCH a relief. Like being able to breathe after a 6-year asthma attack.
I often go around with a big stupid grin on my face because i finally realized I can be a gal 😅
I was one of those people who told myself for a long time that I was "too old" to come out as trans. My whole life was established--I was (still am) married, I had two young kids, I'd been in the same job for over twenty years. You don't just come out and upset all of that overnight, do you? I think I hesitated for so long out of the fear of losing everyone and everything I loved because of being trans, and it turns out the opposite has been true. Coming out as trans has been an amazing gift, and now the relationships I have are better, more real, and more fulfilling for me.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience, Robin. I think that's so important to share that it doesn't have to be a choice between who we are and our families, communities, and jobs. If people are supportive, life can become more fulfilling and more real after coming out.
There are so many thoughts that this piece brings up. One is when my best friend came out as gay at 16 and his mom cried because she was so worried about how much harder of a life he was going to have. When I told my mother about this, she said she would have reacted the same way.
Another thought is a quote from Gabe Dunn when he came out as non-binary and friends who were older said, “Oh, I’m probably non-binary. But I’m too old to come out now and I feel mostly fine.” And his response was “Why be fine when you can be great?”
And finally my mom who is probably bisexual and nonbinary who made me think that everybody feels the way I do. When I told my mom that I was bisexual, her response was incredibly dismissive. Not that she meant for it to be, but her response was basically, “everybody feels that way. It doesn’t mean you’re nonbinary.” Knowing that, and knowing that this would be her reaction, meant that it took me much longer to come out than it probably should have in a very accepting and welcoming family such as mine.
All of this is to say, I really appreciate getting to read your writing, Rey, and it helps me feel so much less alone.
Thanks for this, Rey. Your reflections on what's hardest resonate for me. If we were all supported equally in presenting our organic, authentic, essential selves, I believe it would change...everything.
Great article.
It was absolutely harder to be denying that I was trans or attempting to live in the closet than it is to be out and trans. This has been especially true once I figured out that I could do simple things like carry pepper spray.
The longer I was knowingly in the closet, the harder it got. The longer I’ve been out, the easier it’s been.