Mainstream media frequently uses incorrect words to talk about trans people.
Because of this, when I write about trans people, I very often find that even strong allies are confused by the way I describe people's gender.
As part of an essay draft, I wrote about reading a memoir:
Sitting on my futon as the warm, dry Bay Area wind rushed in the window of my room, I unconsciously cradled my chest with my arm, tucking my hand into my armpit for comfort, as I read. This book had been so stressful to check out at the Oakland public library. I tucked it between two generic novels and tried my best to look like I wasn't interested in being trans, I mean, maybe I was getting it for a friend or family member. (The librarian did not care, after all my preparation.) The memoir told the story of a person who realizes what the dysphoria he feels in his body means, and who comes out as a trans man.
I devoured the first half of the book, feeling that same discomfort echo in my chest, in the tightness that stretched through my back and neck, in the pit of my stomach. Someone else feels this way. I'm not alone.
I referred to this author as a person, and as a trans man. The feedback I got from strong trans allies was that this was a confusing way to refer to gender.
They expected the story to end with "and this person came out as a woman," and they found using "he" and "trans man" confusing. They were suspicious that I was referring to a woman.
One of the writers said, "I think trans people are having conversations that most people aren't included in, so for a general audience, you'd need to explain more."
I found this interesting, because to me, the way I was describing this man was straightforward.
The narrator came out as a man and considered himself a man, even though the rest of the world saw him as a woman for the first part of his life. So it was clear to me to describe him as a man, as "he," and as a trans man. This is all consistent in my mind.
I am grateful for the feedback that multiple people found the sentence in my essay draft confusing. So perhaps I can rewrite it:
The memoir told the story of a trans man, who realized he felt gender dysphoria when people assumed he was a girl or a woman. He came out as a man and transitioned socially and medically.
But I think the confusion comes from mainstream media, social media, and non-trans people who feel like the most important thing to emphasize about a trans man is that he was once a woman. That doesn't make much sense to me.
Some trans people feel they really used to be the gender the world used to see them as. But many feel they've always been their current gender, and that it's inaccurate to call them anything else, even when referring to back before they transitioned.
Emphasizing who someone was before they transitioned can be a way of saying being trans isn't real, that whatever gender society assigned you matters more than who you actually are.
It should be reasonable to talk about someone as who they are now.
To be clear about what "trans man" means: it's an adjective and a noun. The noun is "man." "Trans" is the modifier. So the phrase means a man who is trans, or "a man of trans experience," as some people put it.
The phrase doesn't secretly mean a woman. That's not the point at all, which is exactly why we say "man" instead of "woman" here. It's intentionally meant to describe the person's gender in the most straightforward way.
A lot of transphobic outlets use the words "trans man" to incorrectly describe a trans woman, someone assigned male at birth who comes out as a woman, and people have started to learn and expect that wrong definition.
So when I, as a trans writer, try to describe someone accurately, people aren't sure what to think. I think their suspicion should be aimed at the outlets that regularly get this and other things wrong about trans people.
A lot of allies harbor this confusion. I was listening to a podcast where a gay man was describing a trans friend of his, and the first time he tried, he used "woman who is trans male" instead of "man," then corrected himself.
An honest enough mistake, but it's odd that someone who has a trans friend, and has presumably thought about how to describe them before, wouldn't first think to describe the friend as they are now.
If I were describing a friend who dyed their hair purple, my first thought wouldn't be "my friend, who was born with blonde hair, went through a transformation in their twenties, and now, although I know it's hard to understand, has purple hair." I'd just say my friend has purple hair.
I think we have this strange misconception when it comes to trans people, that how society used to incorrectly view them is somehow more important than who they actually are now.
I wish we could all agree with the trans community that "trans man" means a man who has transitioned to being a man. If you're reading that thinking, wait, there was no "woman" in that sentence, yeah, that's intentional. Some trans men never considered themselves women, even though society may have viewed them that way.
When you describe a trans man as a woman, whether or not you mean to, you're sharing that you think this man, is a woman, in your mind.
That can be hurtful.
You're misgendering them in an attempt to explain their transness, whether that transition was a month ago or 20 years ago.
It's not required to explain someone's transness by detailing who they used to be, or who society considered them to be. You can use the terms AMAB (assigned male at birth) or AFAB (assigned female at birth), but honestly, within the trans community, these are rarely used.
You can just say someone is a person, a man, or a woman. That's a full sentence that expresses the gender identity they are now.
If you're thinking, but then how would anyone know they're trans, maybe that's the point. It's usually not crucial that whoever you're talking to knows this.
Even if you're trying to confirm someone's gender, or you suspect someone is misgendering the person they're describing, you can use current identity language in the question itself. There's no need to misgender the person you're asking about.
You can say, "Is the person you're talking about a trans man?" or "Does this person use he/him pronouns?" instead of "Did this person used to be a woman?"
Some people feel it's never okay to ask questions of or about trans people, which is an overgeneralization. But for the most part, it's also true.
It's not okay to ask about someone's genitals, medical history, or past trauma.
It's okay to ask about someone's current gender and how you should refer to them. "I use they/them to refer to myself, how about you?"
It's much less okay to ask, for example, "Were you born a woman?" It's none of your business, it's awkward, and it signals that you're going to think of them as a woman now and forever if they confirm it.
Also, no one was born a woman. Everyone was born a baby. Who someone was as a three-month-old has very little bearing on how you interact with them now.
So yes, the trans community talks about people slightly differently than the general public, I suppose. But from my perspective, it's much more straightforward. We talk about people as they are.
We may know someone's history, should they choose to share it or if we've known them long enough, much like any friend. But we don't feel entitled to that information.
It's so much easier to understand what people are talking about if you assume they're trying to use language that makes clear who someone is now.
If someone tells me their friend is a trans man, I assume that person is a man today, and it doesn't matter to me who they were 20 years ago.
It's straightforward. You don't need any other explanation.
So if you start feeling like you need more of an explanation about a person than what's been offered, especially if they're trans, I'd encourage you to stop and ask: do I really need that, or do I already know what I need to know about this person today?
It's hard to question what society has taught you, so I'm not saying this is easy. But I'd be grateful if you'd do this exercise with me, and help draw more people into our community of trans people and allies, sharing a language for how we talk about each other so we can understand one another better.
What do you think? Let us know in the comments!
