A lot of people donāt want to come out as trans because they think it will make their lives harder. This is really similar to being concerned if your kid or partner comes out as trans to you. Many parents or partners are immediately concerned that life is going to get a lot harder. But letās examine this for a minute: what does life getting harder mean for trans people?
It can be hard and stressful to not know whether you are trans or not. It can feel like, on the one hand, you are safe as long as you do not admit to anyone, including yourself, that you have feelings about your gender. But, you may find yourself thinking about it for hours at a time, reading all the articles or watching all the videos or listening to all the podcasts, all while thinking, āthatās definitely not me.ā
My question is, having gone through this myself, is that an easy life? Iām not sure.
The universe has a lot of one-way processes. Cooking food. Burning a fire. Making art. Growing plants from seeds. You canāt put the materials back to the way they were when you started.
Coming out as trans to oneself can feel like one of those one-way processes. You canāt unlearn other peopleās experiences that you resonate with. You canāt forget your increased awareness of your thoughts and feelings.
So you slow it down. You delay. And thatās fine. But you canāt ever put time back to where you started.
A lot of trans people go through a stage where they overcompensate and conform to femininity or masculinity in an attempt to fit in, but perhaps, they find this does not make them happy or feel like they are doing the right thing. In his published diaries (We Both Laughed In Pleasure: The Selected Diaries of Lou Sullivan), Lou Sullivan, trans man and activist, describes wearing dresses for years to make his boyfriend happy and to try to fit in, do the right thing, perform womanhood appropriately.
This struggle to be okay with conforming resonates with my trans story. I also wore dresses for years. I enjoyed wearing dresses sometimes. I felt like I was dressing up in a costume. Eventually, once I gave myself permission to explore other clothing styles, I realized I was more comfortable wearing mostly menās clothes.
A lot of trans people do not immediately change their clothes, hair, appearance, etc, when they finally admit to themselves that they are trans. This is a gradual process for many people, that involves a lot more learning. If we learn growing up how to look like a boy, or a man, itās not immediately obvious how to look like a girl, or woman, for example.
Some people have already been drifting towards gender-nonconforming masculinity, or femininity, for years by the time they come out as trans.
I think in many cases, that decision to come out to oneself as trans, is not the moment where oneās life gets harder. It may come as a relief, as an understanding, as a new lens to frame life with.
Itās nice to stop hiding from yourself.
And it doesnāt have to be this all or nothing thing. I know someone who calls himself ā70% cis.ā Iāve talked to several people, actually, who are happy for everyone to think they are cis (not trans), but who share that they have gender non-conforming thoughts with me.
You are, of course, still free to express yourself however you would like or you need to, after coming out to yourself as trans. I know many people who conform to gendered expectations for work, for example. This may be necessary, unfortunately, especially in communities that are not inclusive or supportive.
This is most of why itās hard to be trans: unsupportive communities, coworkers, and family members. But although these folks hope they can, they cannot stop you from being trans. I personally think itās better to be supportive of myself first, and then I can be a good ally to myself when dealing with people who are unsupportive.
And for the family members and folks in the community: weāre not doing this to make your life harder. It may be easier than you think to be supportive and inclusive.
The best thing we can all do to be supportive of ourselves and each other, I think, is to realize that gender does not have to be such a Big Deal. Weāre all just figuring out the best way to express ourselves and live in community with others, and perhaps gender non-conformity can be seen as a path to find more comfort and belonging, not a threat.
Want to read more about how gender does not need to be a Big Deal? Check out how we all have hormones (yes, even you!)
Rey Katz
Thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments.
Take care,
Rey
