Clothes do not define your gender

"I use they/them in non-queer spaces, but in queer spaces sometimes I prefer she/her. She/her feels good tonight."

I heard this from someone in a queer space recently. She was around my age, had facial hair and was wearing pants, a person who many people might assume (incorrectly) uses "he" and "him."

I think a lot of allies don't realize many of us who use "they" and "them" - particularly from my generation - are trying to make it a little easier for you.

And this is a generational trend that I've observed. Younger people are like sure, a boy can wear a dress and have long hair, makes sense, he's still a boy, but older people sometimes get a little alarmed at their own confusion when they try to relate to someone who's gender non-conforming.

Some people find it challenging to use "she" and "her" for example, for someone with a beard and flat chest. Or to use "he" and "him" for someone with long hair and a curvy body.

This is because we learned to choose whether to say "he" or "she" primarily based on the person's appearance.

It's important to understand where this comes from, and that it's very hard for many people to learn a different way of deciding what words to use for people.

While many people find it easy to conform to gender norms, for some people it is quite impossible (or, they don't want to.)

It's also important to realize that our gender-conforming norms (like what men and women are expected to wear) originated from white colonizers. People have many traditions of expressing themselves and their gender.

Don't assume that a person of color is gender non-conforming because they don't meet your expectations of how they "should" dress or cut their hair.

People are gender non-conforming for lots of different personal reasons.

Maybe a young person feels like a boy when he is wearing a T-shirt, and also when he is wearing a dress, but he prefers the way the dress looks and feels. He also feels weird and dysphoric when people call him "she."

He can't control how people think about him, or what words they use for him.

But he may find himself more comfortable among friends or allies who use "he" and "him" to refer to him.

This is a concrete way that queer spaces can be more affirming.

As someone who regularly used to wear women's clothes, and currently wears almost all men's clothes, I can tell you that I am the same person despite my clothes!