Some of you know I'm a trans person. It's just kind of who I am.
Still, a lot of people have questions they're not sure who to ask (or whether they're even okay to ask). So I took my camera on a walk outside and talked through my story. You can watch the video or read it here - your choice.
And don't worry, it's not that scary. I'm still the same person I've always been, and I think it's a pretty good way to be.
Growing up
I grew up in a community that didn't talk about LGBTQ+ topics at all. I grew up as a girl. Everyone thought I was a girl. I thought I was a girl. Everything seemed to line up with what society was telling me.
But I had trouble with a lot of social norms, and not just gender roles. Making friends and talking to other kids was hard for me. I wasn't popular, and I found it challenging to figure out what I was doing socially in general.
I was also a little confused by the idea that gender decided who you were supposed to be friends with. I found girls pretty intimidating, and I didn't feel much camaraderie with girls and women at that age. (Which is maybe a sexist way to be, if you think about it.) I was on the defensive, and I don't think that was healthy for me.
I've learned a lot since then about how to connect with all kinds of people, including girls and women, and I'm really happy I made that shift. I wasn't very good at being a friend as a kid. I have regrets, and I feel bad about that.
I think a lot of my work today, trying to build empathy and understanding between people, comes from that. I want to be able to talk to all kinds of people, learn their stories, and be open to their experiences. Just as I hope people will be open to mine.
"How old were you when you knew?"
Everyone always wants to know this one. And honestly, it's complicated.
When I was a little kid, I didn't know. I didn't know people could be trans. I just had no idea, and I didn't think about gender all that much.
I was encouraged in some masculine pursuits, because those are seen as good things for girls to do. If I'd grown up as a boy who liked feminine things, I think it would have been very different, because our society really discourages that in kids it sees as boys. There's a sexism there that runs deep. For me, liking "boy things" just read as leadership, or whatever.
I don't agree with labeling activities that way. But I think it kept me from realizing that I thought of myself more as a boy, rather than a girl who liked masculine things.
Then there was my hair. I had it very long until my twenties, down to the middle of my back at one point. The world saw that as pretty feminine, especially the braids and pigtails. I didn't really see it that way. I just liked my hair out of the way, and I was trying to deal with my body in general. (Plus, I've since met plenty of men with long hair. It's not a girls-only thing.)
So sometimes people who knew me as a kid remember a pretty feminine girl, and they're confused. Wait, you turned out to be trans?
But those signs of supposed femininity don't define my gender. How I feel about myself on the inside is something I've only been able to understand years later.
I could be the person I am today with long hair and a dress. Right now I wear my hair short and a button-down shirt, and that's how I signal to the world that I see myself as more masculine. But I'd still be the same person in something different. This is one of the things people find confusing that really doesn't have to be.
Your clothes don't define who you are.
Trying to fit in
In college, a lot of people dressed and acted androgynous to masculine: t-shirts, jeans, technical subjects (which, unfortunately, are kind of masculine-coded). I felt like I fit in pretty well, and I still didn't think about gender much.
There's still a lot of sexism in university science, and I ran into it. People judged me negatively because they thought I was a woman. I found some really strong female friends, and we supported each other through that environment. I'm so grateful for their friendship.
After I graduated, I got really into social dancing. People assumed I'd dance the follow role, because I looked like a woman, and I didn't object. Funny enough, even after coming out, I still slightly prefer following. It's just not very linked to gender for me. I've since found a bunch of gender-neutral dances where I lead and follow and enjoy both, without it being weird and gendered.
Also in my twenties, I started wearing dresses and makeup. I really leaned into it: Okay, I should probably look like a woman. Let me try this. It felt a bit like doing drag, except it was socially acceptable drag for my professional life (which is kind of hilarious).
People looked at me then and assumed I was a super feminine woman, because that's sure what I looked like. I was trying to fit in, do the right thing, and see if I could be happy that way. It turned out I wasn't, because I was hiding who I was.
The interesting thing is, I genuinely enjoyed picking out dresses that fit my body well. I had fun with it! It just wasn't expressing who I was on a deeper level. I started realizing that in my mid-twenties. (I'm 36 now, so yes, this is a long, drawn-out story.)
Meeting trans people for the first time
Through inclusive dance spaces and community groups, I started meeting trans people for the first time. I thought that was really cool.
I met a number of trans masculine people, but they looked so different from me. They looked like men. Wow, that's so cool, I thought, but I could never do that. My body is never going to look like that. So I held myself back from even learning about the possibilities. I was still showing up in swirly dresses, makeup, long hair, and a push-up bra, looking very, very different from those first trans people I met.
And then I made a friend: a nonbinary person who sometimes wore dresses and eyeliner and dyed their hair. They were very cool, and I really liked them. I also saw some of my own gender feelings in how they expressed themselves.
I'm so grateful they showed me there's a way to have these gender feelings (being masculine, trans masculine, nonbinary) and still wear femme clothes sometimes. It makes total sense to me now, but it wasn't obvious at all. I had to let go of the idea that my clothes defined who I was before I could see there was a way to be much more comfortable as myself.
A new name and new pronouns
I started shopping in the men's section at thrift stores and trying on men's clothes for the first time. I started thinking about other names, too.
I grew up with a really feminine first name. It's a lovely name, but it started to grate on my nerves. I was also starting to do more independent work as a consultant and creator, and I felt really uncomfortable promoting myself under my old name. It didn't feel like me.
I had thoughts like, What if I signed up for Upwork under a man's name? They wouldn't know. But there were so many complicated layers. Would I be lying about who I am? (It felt like I would.) What if I had to get on the phone with a client, and they realized I wasn't John Smith or whatever? Would people believe me? Probably not. It would be a battle, even though something about it was very alluring.
So I changed my name to a gender-neutral one instead. (I never did make that fake profile.)
I also asked myself: Am I doing this to escape the sexism in the tech industry? The answer has always been no. Convincing people you're trans is not an easy ride. Most of my employers have seen me as female no matter what I tell them about my name, pronouns, or identity. There have been a few wonderful exceptions among my managers and colleagues. But for the most part, I was still seen as female at work, and judged negatively for it.
So I changed my name. I changed my clothes. I changed my pronouns. I started going by they/them. In practice, that meant I used they/them for myself, a couple of close friends did too, and everyone else kept saying "she." That's still true today.
My new name, though, people got right away. They started using it, even in communities I'd been part of for years. My family has been really wonderful. The pronouns aren't there yet, and that has frustrated and annoyed me at times.
But I'm really happy and grateful that I get to express myself the way I want. If people don't refer to me the way I'd like, I can't control that. Maybe I don't even care. I'm going to be the person I want to be, and we'll see who everyone else wants to be.
Hormones
A couple of years after coming out as nonbinary, I started changing my hormones.
Here's the really cool thing: our bodies already carry the genetic code for traits like facial hair, and hormones switch a lot of those traits on or off.
It's also worth sharing that I'd been on hormones for over ten years before I ever started gender-affirming hormone therapy. I took hormonal birth control, and it actually helped me a lot, because I really struggled with the natural hormone spikes of my menstrual cycle. Birth control steadied that out for years.
Eventually, I started low-dose testosterone gel, and it leveled out my hormone spikes too, a lot like birth control did. That surprised me. My emotions felt more settled. I cried less. I felt less anxious. I did not feel angrier, or get road rage, or any of the things people associate with steroid abuse. (I'm on a lower level of testosterone than the average cis man, for comparison.) It's had a really stabilizing effect on my emotions, which has been lovely.
The physical changes have been slower for me than for some other folks I've seen. But everybody is different, and I'm grateful I get to have this experience and see what it's like.
Why I'm sharing this
I've gotten to a really good place where I'm comfortable sharing my story. And I think it matters, because growing up, I didn't know anyone like me, for many, many years. Not in my family, and not in my community. I sometimes wonder how my life might have been different if I'd known what was possible.
What I want you to know
Mostly, I want you to know that being trans is a natural and normal way to be. I'm a happy, thriving person who spends a lot of time outdoors and is comfortable in my body.
That doesn't mean you need to be trans! The whole point is that everyone deserves freedom of expression and access to quality, affirming healthcare. I hope you see some of the possibilities out there in your own life, whether you take a path like mine or a very different one.
I know there are people on the internet who'd say, "Go outside! Touch grass!" Don't worry, I've seen those comments. They're not very original. (I spend plenty of time outdoors and talking to people, thanks for your concern.) I know who I am.
And remember: if you've talked to one trans person, you've talked to one trans person. Not everyone is the same, and so many people have very different experiences than I do. I hope you'll seek out other people's stories, too.
Thanks so much for coming on this walk with me. Got a friend or family member who should see this? Please share my story with them!
Do you have a question about my story, or a story of your own to share? Let me know in the comments!
