How to respond when someone comes out

We can learn from how trans people respond to each other coming out. It's generally not a big deal, more like, "That's cool, thanks for telling me. Would you like me to use a different name or pronouns for you going forward?"

Wouldn't it be wonderful if coming out were always so chill? But coming out for the first time, or to close family members, can be incredibly scary and intimidating, often for good reason.

National Coming Out Day is October 11, this Sunday. This date was first celebrated in 1988 to increase visibility of gay and lesbian people. The day has since grown to celebrate all LGBTQ+ people. Happy National Coming Out Day!

Robert Eichberg, who co-founded National Coming Out Day, said in 1993, "Most people think they don't know anyone gay or lesbian, and in fact, everybody does. It is imperative that we come out and let people know who we are and disabuse them of their fears and stereotypes."

While being out of the closet can be a good thing, it can be unsafe for some people. National Coming Out Day is a great time to share or re-share your sexuality and/or gender identity with your community, but only if it feels safe and reasonably comfortable.

Since I have the privilege of a supportive family and work situation, I can safely be out online.

Hi, I'm Rey. I'm a transmasculine non-binary bisexual person.

Here's my coming out story, if you're interested in the juicy details:

How can we best support friends and relatives who come out?

Support can start before people we know come out. I've read so many stories of young adults who are terrified to come out to their parents because they don't know how they will react. Some parents attack their kids and/or throw them out of the house. The threat is real, especially when they still depend on their parents for food and housing.

If you are a young person in an unsafe situation, consider reaching out to The Trevor Project for help.

Some parents, after receiving a heartfelt confession about their kid's gender or sexuality, say, "Oh, I knew that about you already."

While this is acceptance, I think these parents could be more supportive earlier so their kid didn't have to be so scared to come out to them. You don't need to guess or ask about their identity. But you could say things like, "Whether you're straight or gay, I support you," and voice your support for trans kids and adults.

Even if you're an outspoken ally, you can still feel a lot of emotions when someone comes out to you. You may feel fear for them, discomfort for what that means for your own traditions and beliefs, betrayal that it took so long for them to share this with you, or distress that your life with this person may be changing in some way.

These are all predictable emotions that many people have. However! The person who came out to you is not the best person to process those emotions with. They are dealing with difficult emotions and a challenging situation themself. They are not responsible for your emotions, even if they did come out to you. They are not the enemy here.

I recommend saying, "Thank you for sharing this with me," and then taking a minute to evaluate how you're feeling. If you feel curiosity or interest, you can ask a reasonable follow up question. If you feel angry or sad, step back from the conversation and find another outlet for your distress.

Journaling, going for a walk, or talking with a trusted friend or internet stranger anonymously (don't out the person you are talking about without their consent) are all options.

It's not acceptable behavior to respond with defensive rage when someone comes out to you, even if you apologize later. This can have bad consequences. I've heard of a number of parents whose adult trans kid stopped speaking to them after coming out. You may be able to avoid this by considering how you would like to react in advance of the possibility.

Communities like the subreddit /r/cisparenttranskid (here's one parent sharing her experience) and PFLAG's online meetings could be good places to process your emotions.

How can we support ourselves when coming out?

Coming out can be really hard. If you can't or don't feel comfortable coming out, that is okay, for real! Many people are in this situation. (How many? We don't know.) You are definitely not alone!

Coming out can feel like stage fright, except that your audience might attack you verbally and physically and also they are people you know and love. It's an intensely stressful and vulnerable situation.

Expect a lot of your energy to be tied up in this endeavor, while you're pre-planning and then processing the responses. If you're able to do less in other areas of your life, that's understandable.

Support for yourself when coming out could look like saying affirmations in the mirror, doing whatever movement, stretching, rest, or exercise keeps you feeling alright, and giving yourself a lot of grace to fall behind in other areas for a while.

If you're coming out for the first time, even if it's coming out to yourself, that's a huge step and I am so proud of you!

Medicaid change to gender-affirming care

Starting October 13, 2026, federal funding will no longer pay for gender-affirming care for trans youths on Medicaid and CHIP. (After a six-month window for people already on gender-affirming hormone therapy.) This affects people under the age of 18 on Medicaid and under 19 on CHIP.

Most of this gender-affirming care consists of puberty blockers and hormones, but the regulation also covers surgeries (which are rare for youth).

Katie Keith of Georgetown Law tells NPR that it seems unprecedented for the federal government to prohibit funds "in this way for a specific patient population with a particular diagnosis." One example to show how targeted these changes are: puberty blockers are still covered for non-trans kids when prescribed for early puberty as opposed to gender dysphoria.

States can pay with their own money. Maine told providers to keep providing gender-affirming care "as usual."

Four New Hampshire families affected by this regulation recently filed a lawsuit against the Trump administration, represented by GLAD Law, the National Center for LGBTQ Rights, and the ACLU of New Hampshire.

This regulation doesn't change coverage for adults. Therapy is still covered for young people. If this affects your family, ask your state Medicaid office or your medical provider whether your state is covering this care with its own funds.

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