What does nonbinary mean?
If you're not a man or woman, what else is there?
What does nonbinary mean? You might be curious about what makes me nonbinary, or how that differs from being a woman or man. You perhaps can’t envision another gender identity other than woman or man.
People frequently ask questions about what does nonbinary mean in the comments on my videos mentioning my nonbinary identity. Here’s an example comment on one of my videos:
“Does non-binary mean not a man or a woman? Meaning nothing or meaning being something else?”
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I interpreted this comment as asking, you’re saying you’re not a man or a woman. What else is there?
Non-binary is, if you take the word literally, saying I don’t have a binary gender, defining it as the lack of something. I don’t tend to take it that literally, myself. I adopted “nonbinary” for myself, as a whole identity, after seeing a lot of similarities between myself and other people who call themselves nonbinary.
If you’re having trouble envisioning what that might look like, perhaps I can explain.
But, it’s important to remember if you’re met one non-binary person, you’ve met one non-binary person. Everyone is different. I cannot speak on behalf of all non-binary people. I can only share from my individual perspective what my experience has been.
Most people “just know” what gender they are. If you ask a man his gender, he will usually say “I’m a man.” If you ask why, he might say, “I just am.” This is true for trans and nonbinary people also! They often just know!
Nonbinary is not, generally, a “nothing” gender, to quote from the comment. Nonbinary people have a lot of traits that correspond in our society to gender identity, gender expression, and “biological sex” (ugh).
I’m a little salty over the large number of comments I deleted this weekend referencing various parts of my anatomy. Here, where I’m having a respectful conversation instead of being trolled, I will share with you that I do, in fact, have a human body with body parts, as we all do! I most likely have XX chromosomes (although I’ve never gotten that tested). I have a uterus. Etc. But these body parts do not define my gender.
Some people have to get body parts removed or changed for medical reasons (injury, cancer, etc). This does not make them any less of a woman, or man, or person of another gender. Your body parts do not define your gender.
Gender expression can include your name, words you use to describe yourself, hairstyle, clothes, makeup, shoes, voice, mannerisms, and more. It’s amazing how many behaviors we assign genders to. Some people care a lot about using these signals to indicate what gender they are. Some people just don’t care, and some people have a lot of fun expressing themselves in ways that intentionally don’t match gendered expectations in society.
I don’t have a “nothing” gender expression. Being truly androgynous is very difficult, and not what I am interested in anyway. The stereotypical “nonbinary person” in media is a white, skinny, flat-chested, androgynous person with masculine hair and expensive designer clothes. This is a harmful stereotype because of how it centers a white, rich person with a very particular body type. Many nonbinary people are Black, Indigenous, and people of color. Many nonbinary people have a large chest and curvy body. Many nonbinary people are fat. Many nonbinary people can’t afford expensive haircuts, designer clothes, or to medically transition if they wanted to.
When I’m shopping in a thrift store, I usually find the pants and shirts I like in the men’s section. A lot of my clothes come from clothing swaps or friends giving me items they don’t wear anymore (thank you!) A surprising number of my clothes have come from the sidewalk, or what people might call “trash piles.” Before you turn up your nose too hard at this disgusting idea, check out my $200 brand new Sorrel winter boots that I’ve been wearing for three years. Yes, from a “trash pile.”
Just keeping designer clothes out of our landfills. You’re welcome.
Sometimes I wear women’s clothes. Sometimes I wear men’s clothes. As a short person, sometimes I wear “big boy” clothes. My clothes, to me, express more about my comfort being out in the woods, or the colors I like, or comfortable patterns and textures, than gender expression. My clothes do not define my gender.
I keep listing things that do not define my gender: physical traits, body parts, clothes, etc. But that doesn’t mean my gender is “nothing.” My nonbinary gender is based on my experience as a whole. Not any one of these things, but how I see the world and how I think I fit in.
Some people think I’m insane for explaining what does nonbinary mean to me. If you are one of these people, I ask you to give me a little benefit of the doubt, a little suspension of disbelief, and evaluate: am I hurting anyone else with my “insanity”? From my perspective, I am not. For myself, I am happier and healthier since coming out as nonbinary. Seems like a win to me.
Last week, I had a great interview with Anabelle from Positively Nonbinary! We talked about favorite travel experiences, creating resources for nonbinary people, and how it feels so great when a friend or family member learns something from what we create. Seriously, the best feeling!
Check out a fun preview of our conversation here:
The full interview is available for Positively Nonbinary paid subscribers:
Thanks so much for reading!
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Take care,
Rey
I, too, often find myself explaining my nonbinary identity in "not this" terms more than in concrete ways. And as a person who feels most comfortable with a masculine presentation and he/him pronouns, I'm almost always assumed to be a binary transman. And that's okay. Describing how being a third gender feels when our social systems and vocabulary are steeped in binary is HARD.
I credit you for your gracious explanation of non-binary Rey. I am not well versed in it, but I seek increased learning. I do see this a lot within the autistic community. However, despite the correlation in research, they are still two separate identities.
It is interesting for me, as a late-diagnosed autistic person, to consider and reflect on my gender, all aspects of fluidity, and my biological sex. Yes, I identify as female biologically and now as gender by choice (I ironically did lose most of my womb, though surgically).
But I know I did not see gender as a child or teenager; I just saw people, and I could seldom identify any LGBTQIA person then or now, which to me was a good thing to see just humans. Still, back then, I got accused of being naive. I loved anything related to cross-dressing and things like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, which I also know has nothing to do with being non-binary or transgender. Again, I got remarks about my hyperinterest in all of this.
I never played with female-gender toys as a child; I played with neutral teddy bears and Domino's Rally. Barbies and baby dolls I had no interest in, but gender is meant to be fluid on some levels, I imagine, in childhood.
My parents never truly enforced any toys on me, but funny enough dad gave me an action man after I said I wanted one. I have always been a tomboy and get along better with men.
I became conditioned from my late teens until my 30s into being excessively feminine to the point of exhaustion. It was when I hit my late thirties that I realised I needed not necessarily to identify as non-binary as such but rather to access my feminine and masculine nature. I did exactly that, working the feminine masculine energy to complement my whole self with it all, and ironically, I have noticed more criticism about the masculine elements of it by choosing to lift heavy weights and having more muscle on me than I ever did about the feminine. I am happy with my female identity, which is genuinely 70%, and most of my gender I embrace contently now by choice.
But some people are never happy, but I love myself for choosing me. Thanks for sharing. I know there is so much toxicity online and offline, and even within the LGBTQIA community itself, with personal views, it's the same within the neurodivergent space at times. Still, yeah, if it's not doing anyone else any harm, they can all **** off.
Have a good week ahead.