Which experiences should we share in public?

How do you know if it's a good idea to share your experience publicly or not?

It can really help people to know they are not alone by finding someone else with a similar experience.

But then there's a lot of people who don't relate to your experience at all. Maybe they learn something. Maybe they feel closer to you. Maybe they bully you because they don't understand. It's hard to predict.

It feels vulnerable for me to share personal stories about my body. It's really uncomfortable on some level. Maybe this is the curse of those who are drawn to share memoir.

I heard from someone recently who is thinking of starting an online project sharing more personal stories. I advised: It should feel reasonably comfortable and safe to share. Sharing personal experiences can continue to be a little scary, but like a stretch, not a hard limit or injury.

Sounds good, right?

But then I find myself being secretive, hoping some of my real life friends don't necessarily see all my content. I get scared that this is not what they expect from me and that they would think worse of me if they see my writing.

(My friends are wonderful people though and have been very supportive. These are irrational fears.)

One of the hardest parts, I think, about sharing about being trans is that the audience varies so much. So many people have almost no idea what being trans means. It's great that people are learning.

But, if I try to provide definitions and beginner-level information, I end up annoying trans people who don't want to be taught about their own lived experience, understandably.

I really don't know what a person will get out of one of my stories, if they are starting with basically no understanding of what transgender means. Like I don't know what conclusions they would come to, or how my words will be misinterpreted.

So there's this constant battle between sharing widely in public and reaching as many people as possible, and developing deep, nuanced analysis only relevant to an audience of trans people.

Trying to split the difference every time using the appeal of everyday personal experiences can feel really uncomfortable.

Don't worry, I'm not quitting memoir. I'm just still working on finding the right balance of what's valuable to people I care about (that's you!) and relatively comfortable for me.

If you are thinking about sharing your personal experiences, here's my best advice:

Consider writing about your second or third most important story, something you find interesting but not the capital-T Trauma at the top of your brainstorming list.

Many people find it cathartic or helpful to process their experiences by writing or speaking about them. I think that's a really good thing and don't think you should limit yourself in what you write down privately or for small groups. I'm just talking about what makes the most sense to publish.

People in the audience like hearing and get value from all kinds of stories. They can't tell what is super personal for you.

Balance what is most valuable for the audience with minimizing the damage to the writer.

The magic of being part of a whole worldwide community of trans writers and speakers is that we each have a different perspective to share.

Someone else may find joy and confidence in sharing about the same aspects of the physical body that make me uncomfortable to talk about, or vice versa.

How do you figure out what feels good and useful to share and what you want to keep private? Please share in the comments.