When I reflect on my year, I’m amazed by all the experiences I had and also stressed by all the things I could do better. Yes, I have imposter syndrome. Most of us do, I think.
My partner asked me, a month ago, how often I question being nonbinary, in a way that assumed my answer was going to be “never.” We were working on one of my newsletter posts together. I thought, I’ve questioned being nonbinary today, actually.
I dressed up to look more like a woman for the holidays this year. I wore a fluffy white sweater and red skinny jeans and lipstick. This was a little different than dressing femme while being nonbinary. The difference is, I was hoping people would look at me and think, woman, safe, okay, acceptable.
I did not feel like I was betraying myself at all to present myself this way. I was protecting myself, reassuring myself that I could be safe and accepted.
A few months ago, I pitched an op-ed that was trying too hard to be a book review and also balance supporting women’s sports with trans inclusion. I received a four-paragraph rejection from the editor. (This is beyond unusual, by the way—it means that editor took the time to work on my piece despite not wishing to publish it.)
It took me three days to process, but I realized the editor was completely correct: I was trying to sound acceptable to people who want to exclude trans people from sports, while myself believing that trans people should be included in sports. I was trying to be perceived as safe.
But “safe” becomes a betrayal if I (even unintentionally) speak against people I’m trying to support (transfeminine athletes).
I’m going to do better.
Protecting myself in real life (as long as it keeps myself safer) is a good thing. Protecting myself in my writing at the expense of others is a bad thing.
This year, I visited 14 US states: Massachusetts, New York, Connecticut, New Jersey, Maryland, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, California, Oregon, Nevada, AND Utah. I’ve been in less than ten people’s houses.
I’ve foraged and eaten a lot of mushrooms. My wild-ass-guess is I’ve eaten 40 pounds of wild mushrooms this year. We have oyster mushrooms and amber jelly rolls (similar to wood ear) in our fridge right now.
I was on the road (living out of a car, with my partner) for a whopping 5 months this year. That’s more than any other year.
I’ve written and spoken about being trans more than any previous year. I’m honored and humbled by the lovely, supportive responses I’ve received.
says:
If you're keen to be an ally to your trans and non-binary siblings on this planet but feel unsure of how to go about it or don't feel confident in your understanding of gender identity issues, writers like Rey are invaluable. Their writing is informative and challenging, whilst always remaining accessible, welcoming and supportive. Also they're really funny and entertaining. Check them out!
Thank you so much, Allegra, for the kind words!
I am grateful to writers I admire and friends who shared some additional very kind feedback with me recently. I will be featuring other quotes in future posts.
If, on the other hand, you don’t like me (talking about being a trans person), Cyrus says it better than I ever could (click to see the short video):
I wrote about being nonbinary. I wrote about how we talk about old people (hopefully with respect). I wrote about what to do when your kid comes out as trans.
And, hopefully, I’ve helped people.
I’ve also learned so much from all of you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments.
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Take care,
Rey
